something i wrote

this is something i wrote a while ago, that i think deserves a second look.

ever have a moment where you realize you've lost a piece of truth that you used to have? yeah, i just had one of those moments. so, read. enjoy. please listen to the music. it is truly inspiring.

i was browsing through classical music earlier today, and came across what might be the most despondent sounding piece of art i have ever heard. you know something is truly art when you feel what the artist must have felt. hopeless, fear-ridden, like he was drowning in a pain that would never end. for a brief moment, you feel the promise of hope -- the emotion evolves and you feel... free. and then it's back. the haunting sorrow. the anguish. what a perfect picture of the human condition without the knowledge, the conviction of grace. for the knowledge itself is not enough. a person needs to feel something before it seems real. go listen, and see if you understand:

had chopin been a poet instead of a composer, perhaps he might have written something like this?

burn, icy hand upon my heart

and cut my soul to pieces

leave not one whole part

that would feel again

sing, haunting melody of spite

triumph in your brief hour

set all breath in me to flight

erase the memory of what i could have been

leave no trace of soul

keep my heart bleeding

always broken, never whole

until i forget my needing

why do we let ourselves forget that we are loved, redeemed; that our price has been paid, that we cannot do a single thing that would cause us to be forsaken? how can we not feel infinitely overwhelmed by the fact that, despite what lowly, putrid, worms we are, God chose to love us anyway. why do we not just sit and revel in that fact? that glorious, consuming, rapturous love. that we don't deserve. that we will never deserve. why do we keep trying so hard? why can't we accept the gift our father has given us? why can't i? why don't i feel it as i ought?

a final first college experience post

well, i've done it. or, after 1:45 today i will have. finals will be over, and so will my first semester of college. i didn't expect going back home to be such a bittersweet experience. while i'm excited to be back with my family and my old friends, i'll miss the new ones so very much. they've helped me grow and become more of who i am, and they're some of the most awesome people i've ever met. i've been through some really rough times since the beginning of the semester, and while others have abandoned me, these girls have stuck by me. they care. they don't judge. they simply love. i think if more people were like them, the world would be a much happier (and waaay more awesome) place.

so farewell, dear friends. i'll see you in a month.

goodbye, college. i'll miss you.

homework... haha, who am i kidding?

sometimes i get my verbs mixed up...

have you ever noticed that sometimes we mix up the verbs "get" and "use" when we pray? i don't know exactly what brought on this thought, but i think it's worth exploring. maybe i should explain what i mean, first. there are times when i've found myself on my knees, in fervent prayer, thinking to myself "wow, i really am praying for what i ought," and "gosh darn, i'm so humble today," because i haven't asked for anything for myself. example: "dear lord, thank you for thus-and-so. i am so thankful to be blessed in this way. i fall so short of your standard, etc., etc., lord, please use me to glorify you in some way..."
now, on the surface, this seems pretty benign. in all actuality, it's one of the most selfish things i find myself doing. look at the first part of the prayer: "i am so thankful to be blessed in this way." how incredibly shallow. if you were able to see my heart at the moment those words escaped my lips, you'd find something pretty ugly. you would see the fact that deep down i think that i deserve this blessing somehow, or that i did something to "win a prize." i don't have to tell you how absurd that idea is. at some time or another, though, we've all thought the same thing. often this mode of thought defines the very way i respond to life, relationships, spirituality, etc. i forget to see the rest of the world because i stand in my own line of vision.

this leads to what i mean when i say i get my verbs mixed up. just because i didn't use the word "ask," or the phrase, "please may i have," doesn't mean that i've achieved some state of humility. in reality, i'm just as selfish as the person who says, "please, God, i've been really really good. may i please have a puppy?" okay, yeah, odd example, but whatever. you get the point. look again at the end of the example: "lord, please use me to glorify you in some way." again, how misguided and selfish can i possibly get? extra points if i sugar coat it and disguise what i'm really thinking, which is "God, i'm just so great and all... isn't there some place you need my help??"

if what i really want to do is glorify God, why do i sit on my knees asking for him to bring things to me? why am i not actively looking? the answer is grim. i think if i sound pious enough, that it counts for actually doing what i'm supposed to do. i've decided that this isn't how i want to live anymore. i want to be an active follower of Christ. instead of cowering in a corner and saying, "please, God, do the work for me," i'm going to get up and do something about it. Jesus, after all, didn't sit around on his rear waiting for the deaf and the blind to come to him with their problems. he found them. who am i to assume that i'm going to get off easier than the son of God himself?

all this to say, i'm tired of being selfish. i'm ready to let myself be used. i'm ready to really live my faith. i'm ready to stop asking, and start giving without expecting a tangible reward.

"Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works." - James 2:18

bleh, meh, ick, other synonyms for eesh

there are some days when it is nigh upon impossible to feel pretty. so what do i do on those horrible occasions? i slap on some thick mascara, a coat of fire-engine-red lipstick, and put on my feel-good black t-shirt. try it someday. it makes life so much better. unless you happen to be a guy. that would just be awkward.

my heroes... *sigh*