insecurities

i've been thinking a lot lately about my flaws. mostly these thoughts stem from a handful of failed relationships, a general feeling of being taken advantage of, and other pitiful things that i could whine about endlessly. essentially, i try too hard to get people to like me. that is the root of my problems. i pander, simper, and brown-nose my way into people's lives, hoping that if i say the right thing, do the right thing, and am there for them enough that it will matter. the truth is, none of it matters. at the end of the day what these people think they admire, respect, or even, yes, love, is a lie. i've had so many people tell me that they are intimidated by me because they think i'm perfect. nothing else anyone has ever said to me has made me hate myself more. if i'm completely honest with myself, i want people to see my flaws. i want them to know every horrible detail of my selfishness, pride, conceit, and brokenness. i want them to see it plainly, and to tell me that it doesn't matter. i want to be loved, respected, and known. i don't want admiration. i don't want praise. i want to be vulnerable, and for others to see the strength in that vulnerability. but i am terrified of all of this being too much. i'm afraid that all i will get in return for exposing the depths of my heart is rejection, disgust, or hatred. even worse, i'm afraid of pity. i wish i weren't afraid of all of these things all the time. i wish i could get over my fear of abandonment. i wish i could just be me, and that that would be enough. but how can i do this when i've been told over and over that it isn't enough? how do i dig myself out of the pit of insecurities that others have dug for me, and i have willingly let them toss me into?
i've decided that i'm going to stop lying. i'm going to stop covering up the hurt. i hope that by this someone will choose to know me for who and what i am: a broken-hearted, determined, and resilient woman who tries her best to make life better for those around her. i hope that they see that the reason i want so badly for others to like me is that i want to be able to care for people the way i want to be cared for. i want to give the gift of unconditional acceptance that i wish someone had given me. i want them to feel that they don't have to perform in order to gain my respect and love. i want them to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that no matter what, i will always do my absolute best to be there for them when they need me, and even when they don't. maybe this all sounds dramatic, but i don't really care. i think everyone, whether they will admit it or not, wants exactly the same thing. they're just too afraid to say it.
how's that for honest?

if there be one thing, let it be thankfulness

i feel like since it's the beginning of a new year i should do one of those reminisce-and-feel-wiser kind of posts. of course, i really don't feel any wiser, and i would really like to forget a vast majority of this year, but i think that a look backward is warranted. so here are 12 things i've learned this year, in chronological order.

january, 2010 -

to live life is to experience it. locking yourself up and trying to shut out the badness of the world also isolates you from the incredible and wonderful things that you might discover.

february, 2010 -

some days, it's really tough to get out of bed and face the idea of another dreary day. thankfully, God doesn't let the dreariness last forever. as bad as things may seem, there is always something to be happy about.

march, 2010 -

high school is overrated. it is so not like an 80s teen movie. thanks, john hughes, for giving me false hope. (p.s. - i still love your wonderful imagination)

april, 2010 -

the months between spring break and the end of school are the longest in the entire year.

may, 2010 -

graduation is a big deal. but it really doesn't feel like it. decisions, on the other hand, are a very, VERY big deal. and they always feel like it.

june, 2010 -

there is nothing in the world that can give you an appreciation for hard work like working hard can.

july, 2010 -

it is possible to not only survive a broken heart, but to never let on that you've been hurt. life goes on, regardless of how awful you feel.

august, 2010 -

a little bit of distance can be the best medicine.

september, 2010 -

life is a mess sometimes. it's easy to lose focus on what's really important.

october, 2010 -

people are hypocrites. it's ok to be angry, and crying doesn't make you weak -- it makes you human.

november, 2010 -

God always provides what you need: friends, faith, family, love. hope springs eternal.

december, 2010 -

forgiveness is sometimes easy. but most of the time, it really isn't. the best things in life, though, aren't always easy. sometimes the struggle is part of the blessing.

the overarching lesson that i've learned this year, though, is that God is sovereign. no matter how hard you try to screw up your own life, He brings about good. you don't always see that good, though. you have to look for it.

i've been through a lot this year, especially in the past two months. i'm not the same person i was in high school. God, in His grace, has changed me. every day i see His hand in my life, guiding me and teaching me to seek after His plans, and to surrender my own. i can't say that i'm very good at this yet, but my resolution for this year (oh yes, couldn't end without one) is to walk daily in such a way that i allow God to lead me. i want to give up my stubbornness and arrogance, and completely surrender to His will.

"In you, LORD my God,
I put my trust.

I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.

Show me your ways, LORD,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, LORD, are good.

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great."

(Psalm 25:1-11)

a final first college experience post

well, i've done it. or, after 1:45 today i will have. finals will be over, and so will my first semester of college. i didn't expect going back home to be such a bittersweet experience. while i'm excited to be back with my family and my old friends, i'll miss the new ones so very much. they've helped me grow and become more of who i am, and they're some of the most awesome people i've ever met. i've been through some really rough times since the beginning of the semester, and while others have abandoned me, these girls have stuck by me. they care. they don't judge. they simply love. i think if more people were like them, the world would be a much happier (and waaay more awesome) place.

so farewell, dear friends. i'll see you in a month.

goodbye, college. i'll miss you.

homework... haha, who am i kidding?

perhaps the best i've ever written...

i thought i'd post this just for kicks. i had an assignment in political philosophy (one of the best classes i have ever taken) to write a paper using 5 words to describe humanity, using bible verses to back up my claims. this, by far, is one of the most exciting assignments i've ever been given. being a bit of an amateur philosopher, it was right up my alley. i'm (unfortunately) rather proud of this paper, which means it'll probably be ripped to shreds and given a sub-par grade. but, nevertheless, i did enjoy this. anyway, here's what i wrote:

"As I began researching words I might use to describe humanity, I found it difficult to limit my description to five adjectives. The complexity of human nature is overwhelming, but I think can best be examined by dividing our general traits into positive and negative categories. I’ll begin with the negative aspects (our fall from grace, deceitfulness, and fear), which I found to be more obvious than the positive, and conclude with the more inspirational elements of humanity (our capability for courage and compassion).
First, we are fallen. The Bible is abundantly clear on this fact. The first chapters of Genesis chronicle the creation and descent of Adam and Eve into sin. Genesis 2:17 contains the first warning to us, “…but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die." This speaks not only of a physical death, but also of the separation of God and mankind. Isaiah 3:8 and Amos 5:2 describe Israel’s fall from God’s favor through their continual rebelliousness and indifference toward His commands. Galatians 5:4 speaks of our separation from God because of our inability to fulfill the requirements of the law. God requires perfection, and we simply cannot attain it in our own efforts.
Second, we are deceitful. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” Our very core, our heart, is consumed with lies. The psalmist knew the hopelessness of our situation when he wrote, “What shall be given to you, and what more shall be done to you, you deceitful tongue?” But why are we so encumbered by deceit? I believe the next trait I will describe effectively answers this question.
There are many verses in the Bible that warn us against fear. Why is there such a dedication to this one subject? Essentially, as a result of our knowledge of right and wrong and the awareness of our sin, we have become fearful of the discovery of our warped nature. Adam’s first action after the fall was to hide from God. “He said, ‘I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself,’” Genesis 3:10. Of course, his concealment was redundant, because no one can hide from God.
Though the negative aspects of humanity are painfully obvious, we do have our redeeming qualities. Or, rather, we have the capacity to aspire to goodness because of our redemption. The first positive quality of humanity I found is courage. Five times in the book of Joshua (1:6-7, 1:9, 1:18, 10:25) God commands Joshua to “Be strong and courageous.” Obviously, God would not demand something from us if He were not inclined to make us capable of achieving it. However, without the strength God provides we would cower in fear conceivably forever, because it is our nature to be fearful.
The second positive quality I found is compassion. Though compassion is most often used to describe God, as beings created in His image (Genesis 1:27), we too are called to demonstrate compassion. Colossians 3:12 says, “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience…”
In conclusion, though human nature is multifaceted and often rather ugly, we can aspire to something more than the mess we have become if we allow God to work in us and change our hearts."

Life Lessons

As I'm getting ready to leave (packing belongings, acquiring more junk I don't need, transitioning my decorating style from 12-year-old-hyper-enthusiast to quiet-artsy-reliable-18-year-old), I've started to reminisce on the past year and everything I've learned. Not things just about myself, but about the world, others, and how to make complicated relationships work. I've learned a lot about letting go, and it hasn't been easy. I'd have to say the majority of days I've felt like an abandoned puppy in the store-front window, watching all of its friends be taken home to a place where they're loved and accepted. There have been a lot of things I've had to deal with besides just loneliness, though. I've had to endure the waxing and waning of friendships, the uncertainty of where I would end up this Autumn, and, worst of all, I've had to confront my nightmares and accept their reality.

I'm sure everyone has had to come to grips at some point with the one thing that they would rather see locked up in a closet and forgotten for eternity. But the truth is, locking something up, pretending it doesn't exist, only makes everything worse. No matter how hard you try, the anger, the guilt, and the shame all come seeping through the cracks. At first it's easy to shrug off. It's easy to say, "I'm fine." It's easy to lie. But the hurt keeps building, and the pressure becomes too much to bear. The only answer is to deal with the issue, and to forgive. Whether it's yourself, or someone else that created the darkness inside, it has to be confronted. No one has ever healed by letting splinters fester, and pretending that the pain isn't real. I couldn't forgive on my own, though. The hurt went too deep. The shame, the self-loathing, the fear that no one would ever see me as I want to be was too much for me to deal with. I prayed for months, asking God to take the nightmares away. They didn't stop. I pleaded, bargained, and tried to cope on my own. But God never meant for us to carry our burdens alone. Sometimes, He wants us to share them. First with Him, and then with someone we trust. God created us to support each other. He knew at the beginning that it wasn't good for man to be alone. It's why He gives us family and friends who care about us.

I thank God every day that He has blessed me with such a loving family, and wonderful friends who I know I can count on, day or night. Sometimes, I really take all of it for granted. Worse, sometimes I feel like I deserve this blessing. So I keep praying, keep failing, and only by the grace of God I keep remembering how fortunate I am to have a life so full of blessings.