insecurities

i've been thinking a lot lately about my flaws. mostly these thoughts stem from a handful of failed relationships, a general feeling of being taken advantage of, and other pitiful things that i could whine about endlessly. essentially, i try too hard to get people to like me. that is the root of my problems. i pander, simper, and brown-nose my way into people's lives, hoping that if i say the right thing, do the right thing, and am there for them enough that it will matter. the truth is, none of it matters. at the end of the day what these people think they admire, respect, or even, yes, love, is a lie. i've had so many people tell me that they are intimidated by me because they think i'm perfect. nothing else anyone has ever said to me has made me hate myself more. if i'm completely honest with myself, i want people to see my flaws. i want them to know every horrible detail of my selfishness, pride, conceit, and brokenness. i want them to see it plainly, and to tell me that it doesn't matter. i want to be loved, respected, and known. i don't want admiration. i don't want praise. i want to be vulnerable, and for others to see the strength in that vulnerability. but i am terrified of all of this being too much. i'm afraid that all i will get in return for exposing the depths of my heart is rejection, disgust, or hatred. even worse, i'm afraid of pity. i wish i weren't afraid of all of these things all the time. i wish i could get over my fear of abandonment. i wish i could just be me, and that that would be enough. but how can i do this when i've been told over and over that it isn't enough? how do i dig myself out of the pit of insecurities that others have dug for me, and i have willingly let them toss me into?
i've decided that i'm going to stop lying. i'm going to stop covering up the hurt. i hope that by this someone will choose to know me for who and what i am: a broken-hearted, determined, and resilient woman who tries her best to make life better for those around her. i hope that they see that the reason i want so badly for others to like me is that i want to be able to care for people the way i want to be cared for. i want to give the gift of unconditional acceptance that i wish someone had given me. i want them to feel that they don't have to perform in order to gain my respect and love. i want them to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that no matter what, i will always do my absolute best to be there for them when they need me, and even when they don't. maybe this all sounds dramatic, but i don't really care. i think everyone, whether they will admit it or not, wants exactly the same thing. they're just too afraid to say it.
how's that for honest?

so...

i think it's about time i actually posted something, since the last time i did was the beginning of the semester and now i only have 6 weeks until the end.

here are the highlights of the year so far:

1) having the best lab group in biology history. we're such screw ups. can't even extract a little DNA from a banana without splattering fruit all over everyone at our table. it's awesome.

2) definitely have the best roommate ever. so many escapades.

3) cried for the first time in public. it's a strangely freeing (but mostly embarrassing) feeling.

4) making an A in a math class. first time since geometry. YES.

5) decided that i'll work in acquisitions for a museum someday. would that not be the best job ever??

6) co-starred in a short film my roommate is working on with some of the best people in the world.

7) got so bored at 1 A.M. that my roommate decided it would be fun to try to crawl into bed with every girl on our hall. we succeeded. people really shouldn't leave their doors unlocked.

8) was having such a great conversation that i totally didn't notice the 4.7 magnitude earthquake that hit.

9) hit the weight room in the gym for the first time ever. (shhh)

10) worked on a couple of art projects just for the heck of it. this hasn't happened in a long, long time.

so, it's been a pretty uneventful semester. i'm very literally out of exciting things i did. still loving college. still have the best friends in the entire world. life is good. :)

great adventures... :)

today was the first day of class. there was snow on the ground -- a first for a texas girl like me. despite being stuck in the weather for a couple of days, i did make it back to school. best of all, my alarm decided to set itself for p.m. instead of a.m. and i woke up 15 minutes before i had to be in class. i wrote out my schedule on my hand, threw my books in a bag, dressed in a jiffy, and made it to class on time. i feel like a real college student now.

best thing? i didn't forget anything in my scuffle to get ready. win. major win.

stuck.

muskogee, oklahoma. this is what i get for trying to go back to school.

20 before 20

i keep promising my friend i'll do one of these. since i can't sleep, it might as well be now. :)

20 before 20

1.) learn basic Italian

2.) draw… draw like i never have before

3.) find out how to really let go

4.) become a musical aficionado

5.) apply for an internship at an art museum

6.) have some fun … live life abundantly

7.) find something i’m good at and be genuinely proud of it

8.) learn to take a compliment

9.) find a way each day to make someone else’s life better

10.) stay out all night stargazing

11.) learn how to make a latte

12.) finish two art projects

13.) read a book on byzantine history

14.) make to-do lists … get stuff done

15.) run a half marathon

16.) ace a math class

17.) read a Russian novel

18.) forget to be angry

19.) love unselfishly

20.) document important moments … finish an entire journal

so, here you are! not lofty goals, but certainly something to work on.

prompting by: claire

if there be one thing, let it be thankfulness

i feel like since it's the beginning of a new year i should do one of those reminisce-and-feel-wiser kind of posts. of course, i really don't feel any wiser, and i would really like to forget a vast majority of this year, but i think that a look backward is warranted. so here are 12 things i've learned this year, in chronological order.

january, 2010 -

to live life is to experience it. locking yourself up and trying to shut out the badness of the world also isolates you from the incredible and wonderful things that you might discover.

february, 2010 -

some days, it's really tough to get out of bed and face the idea of another dreary day. thankfully, God doesn't let the dreariness last forever. as bad as things may seem, there is always something to be happy about.

march, 2010 -

high school is overrated. it is so not like an 80s teen movie. thanks, john hughes, for giving me false hope. (p.s. - i still love your wonderful imagination)

april, 2010 -

the months between spring break and the end of school are the longest in the entire year.

may, 2010 -

graduation is a big deal. but it really doesn't feel like it. decisions, on the other hand, are a very, VERY big deal. and they always feel like it.

june, 2010 -

there is nothing in the world that can give you an appreciation for hard work like working hard can.

july, 2010 -

it is possible to not only survive a broken heart, but to never let on that you've been hurt. life goes on, regardless of how awful you feel.

august, 2010 -

a little bit of distance can be the best medicine.

september, 2010 -

life is a mess sometimes. it's easy to lose focus on what's really important.

october, 2010 -

people are hypocrites. it's ok to be angry, and crying doesn't make you weak -- it makes you human.

november, 2010 -

God always provides what you need: friends, faith, family, love. hope springs eternal.

december, 2010 -

forgiveness is sometimes easy. but most of the time, it really isn't. the best things in life, though, aren't always easy. sometimes the struggle is part of the blessing.

the overarching lesson that i've learned this year, though, is that God is sovereign. no matter how hard you try to screw up your own life, He brings about good. you don't always see that good, though. you have to look for it.

i've been through a lot this year, especially in the past two months. i'm not the same person i was in high school. God, in His grace, has changed me. every day i see His hand in my life, guiding me and teaching me to seek after His plans, and to surrender my own. i can't say that i'm very good at this yet, but my resolution for this year (oh yes, couldn't end without one) is to walk daily in such a way that i allow God to lead me. i want to give up my stubbornness and arrogance, and completely surrender to His will.

"In you, LORD my God,
I put my trust.

I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.

Show me your ways, LORD,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, LORD, are good.

Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name, LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great."

(Psalm 25:1-11)