i've been thinking a lot lately about my flaws. mostly these thoughts stem from a handful of failed relationships, a general feeling of being taken advantage of, and other pitiful things that i could whine about endlessly. essentially, i try too hard to get people to like me. that is the root of my problems. i pander, simper, and brown-nose my way into people's lives, hoping that if i say the right thing, do the right thing, and am there for them enough that it will matter. the truth is, none of it matters. at the end of the day what these people think they admire, respect, or even, yes, love, is a lie. i've had so many people tell me that they are intimidated by me because they think i'm perfect. nothing else anyone has ever said to me has made me hate myself more. if i'm completely honest with myself, i want people to see my flaws. i want them to know every horrible detail of my selfishness, pride, conceit, and brokenness. i want them to see it plainly, and to tell me that it doesn't matter. i want to be loved, respected, and known. i don't want admiration. i don't want praise. i want to be vulnerable, and for others to see the strength in that vulnerability. but i am terrified of all of this being too much. i'm afraid that all i will get in return for exposing the depths of my heart is rejection, disgust, or hatred. even worse, i'm afraid of pity. i wish i weren't afraid of all of these things all the time. i wish i could get over my fear of abandonment. i wish i could just be me, and that that would be enough. but how can i do this when i've been told over and over that it isn't enough? how do i dig myself out of the pit of insecurities that others have dug for me, and i have willingly let them toss me into?
i've decided that i'm going to stop lying. i'm going to stop covering up the hurt. i hope that by this someone will choose to know me for who and what i am: a broken-hearted, determined, and resilient woman who tries her best to make life better for those around her. i hope that they see that the reason i want so badly for others to like me is that i want to be able to care for people the way i want to be cared for. i want to give the gift of unconditional acceptance that i wish someone had given me. i want them to feel that they don't have to perform in order to gain my respect and love. i want them to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that no matter what, i will always do my absolute best to be there for them when they need me, and even when they don't. maybe this all sounds dramatic, but i don't really care. i think everyone, whether they will admit it or not, wants exactly the same thing. they're just too afraid to say it.
how's that for honest?
