something i wrote

this is something i wrote a while ago, that i think deserves a second look.

ever have a moment where you realize you've lost a piece of truth that you used to have? yeah, i just had one of those moments. so, read. enjoy. please listen to the music. it is truly inspiring.

i was browsing through classical music earlier today, and came across what might be the most despondent sounding piece of art i have ever heard. you know something is truly art when you feel what the artist must have felt. hopeless, fear-ridden, like he was drowning in a pain that would never end. for a brief moment, you feel the promise of hope -- the emotion evolves and you feel... free. and then it's back. the haunting sorrow. the anguish. what a perfect picture of the human condition without the knowledge, the conviction of grace. for the knowledge itself is not enough. a person needs to feel something before it seems real. go listen, and see if you understand:

had chopin been a poet instead of a composer, perhaps he might have written something like this?

burn, icy hand upon my heart

and cut my soul to pieces

leave not one whole part

that would feel again

sing, haunting melody of spite

triumph in your brief hour

set all breath in me to flight

erase the memory of what i could have been

leave no trace of soul

keep my heart bleeding

always broken, never whole

until i forget my needing

why do we let ourselves forget that we are loved, redeemed; that our price has been paid, that we cannot do a single thing that would cause us to be forsaken? how can we not feel infinitely overwhelmed by the fact that, despite what lowly, putrid, worms we are, God chose to love us anyway. why do we not just sit and revel in that fact? that glorious, consuming, rapturous love. that we don't deserve. that we will never deserve. why do we keep trying so hard? why can't we accept the gift our father has given us? why can't i? why don't i feel it as i ought?

a final first college experience post

well, i've done it. or, after 1:45 today i will have. finals will be over, and so will my first semester of college. i didn't expect going back home to be such a bittersweet experience. while i'm excited to be back with my family and my old friends, i'll miss the new ones so very much. they've helped me grow and become more of who i am, and they're some of the most awesome people i've ever met. i've been through some really rough times since the beginning of the semester, and while others have abandoned me, these girls have stuck by me. they care. they don't judge. they simply love. i think if more people were like them, the world would be a much happier (and waaay more awesome) place.

so farewell, dear friends. i'll see you in a month.

goodbye, college. i'll miss you.

homework... haha, who am i kidding?

sometimes i get my verbs mixed up...

have you ever noticed that sometimes we mix up the verbs "get" and "use" when we pray? i don't know exactly what brought on this thought, but i think it's worth exploring. maybe i should explain what i mean, first. there are times when i've found myself on my knees, in fervent prayer, thinking to myself "wow, i really am praying for what i ought," and "gosh darn, i'm so humble today," because i haven't asked for anything for myself. example: "dear lord, thank you for thus-and-so. i am so thankful to be blessed in this way. i fall so short of your standard, etc., etc., lord, please use me to glorify you in some way..."
now, on the surface, this seems pretty benign. in all actuality, it's one of the most selfish things i find myself doing. look at the first part of the prayer: "i am so thankful to be blessed in this way." how incredibly shallow. if you were able to see my heart at the moment those words escaped my lips, you'd find something pretty ugly. you would see the fact that deep down i think that i deserve this blessing somehow, or that i did something to "win a prize." i don't have to tell you how absurd that idea is. at some time or another, though, we've all thought the same thing. often this mode of thought defines the very way i respond to life, relationships, spirituality, etc. i forget to see the rest of the world because i stand in my own line of vision.

this leads to what i mean when i say i get my verbs mixed up. just because i didn't use the word "ask," or the phrase, "please may i have," doesn't mean that i've achieved some state of humility. in reality, i'm just as selfish as the person who says, "please, God, i've been really really good. may i please have a puppy?" okay, yeah, odd example, but whatever. you get the point. look again at the end of the example: "lord, please use me to glorify you in some way." again, how misguided and selfish can i possibly get? extra points if i sugar coat it and disguise what i'm really thinking, which is "God, i'm just so great and all... isn't there some place you need my help??"

if what i really want to do is glorify God, why do i sit on my knees asking for him to bring things to me? why am i not actively looking? the answer is grim. i think if i sound pious enough, that it counts for actually doing what i'm supposed to do. i've decided that this isn't how i want to live anymore. i want to be an active follower of Christ. instead of cowering in a corner and saying, "please, God, do the work for me," i'm going to get up and do something about it. Jesus, after all, didn't sit around on his rear waiting for the deaf and the blind to come to him with their problems. he found them. who am i to assume that i'm going to get off easier than the son of God himself?

all this to say, i'm tired of being selfish. i'm ready to let myself be used. i'm ready to really live my faith. i'm ready to stop asking, and start giving without expecting a tangible reward.

"Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works." - James 2:18

bleh, meh, ick, other synonyms for eesh

there are some days when it is nigh upon impossible to feel pretty. so what do i do on those horrible occasions? i slap on some thick mascara, a coat of fire-engine-red lipstick, and put on my feel-good black t-shirt. try it someday. it makes life so much better. unless you happen to be a guy. that would just be awkward.

my heroes... *sigh*

a deadly combination

dear humanity,

if you wish to fully decimate your brain cells, by all means please do the following. if, however, you value your brain at all and wish to avoid irreparable trauma, take heed.

it happened that today had two important tasks in store for me. one: begin a paper on aristotle's definition of justice contrasted with scripture's definition of justice. two: clean the bathroom. because it's a nice cloudy day, and i'm not tempted at all to dance about on the campus lawn in the sunshine, i thought completing these fetes would prove to be easy. simple. like baking a cake if you didn't have to measure everything. but, alas, i failed to account for the intermingling of these tasks. clorox and aristotle's endless ramblings are benign if never allowed to mingle. however, when combined, the two are an effective way to lose one's mind. i didn't have any inclination of going insane. at all. but i'm afraid it's happened all the same. i can't seem to focus on anything for more than five minutes. in fact, i've gotten up three times whilst writing this to jump around, stared off into space for at least ten minutes, and done several topply pirouettes just because i had socks on and thought it might be fun. does this sound like sane behavior to you? yeah, me either...

so, beware of the combination of cleaning products and greek philosophy. the effects are... i'm sorry, i've forgotten what i was saying. i want waffles.

a simple equation (which have always been my favorite type)

the degree of interest in homework is inversely proportionate to the amount of time spent on it. just saying.

perhaps the best i've ever written...

i thought i'd post this just for kicks. i had an assignment in political philosophy (one of the best classes i have ever taken) to write a paper using 5 words to describe humanity, using bible verses to back up my claims. this, by far, is one of the most exciting assignments i've ever been given. being a bit of an amateur philosopher, it was right up my alley. i'm (unfortunately) rather proud of this paper, which means it'll probably be ripped to shreds and given a sub-par grade. but, nevertheless, i did enjoy this. anyway, here's what i wrote:

"As I began researching words I might use to describe humanity, I found it difficult to limit my description to five adjectives. The complexity of human nature is overwhelming, but I think can best be examined by dividing our general traits into positive and negative categories. I’ll begin with the negative aspects (our fall from grace, deceitfulness, and fear), which I found to be more obvious than the positive, and conclude with the more inspirational elements of humanity (our capability for courage and compassion).
First, we are fallen. The Bible is abundantly clear on this fact. The first chapters of Genesis chronicle the creation and descent of Adam and Eve into sin. Genesis 2:17 contains the first warning to us, “…but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die." This speaks not only of a physical death, but also of the separation of God and mankind. Isaiah 3:8 and Amos 5:2 describe Israel’s fall from God’s favor through their continual rebelliousness and indifference toward His commands. Galatians 5:4 speaks of our separation from God because of our inability to fulfill the requirements of the law. God requires perfection, and we simply cannot attain it in our own efforts.
Second, we are deceitful. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” Our very core, our heart, is consumed with lies. The psalmist knew the hopelessness of our situation when he wrote, “What shall be given to you, and what more shall be done to you, you deceitful tongue?” But why are we so encumbered by deceit? I believe the next trait I will describe effectively answers this question.
There are many verses in the Bible that warn us against fear. Why is there such a dedication to this one subject? Essentially, as a result of our knowledge of right and wrong and the awareness of our sin, we have become fearful of the discovery of our warped nature. Adam’s first action after the fall was to hide from God. “He said, ‘I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself,’” Genesis 3:10. Of course, his concealment was redundant, because no one can hide from God.
Though the negative aspects of humanity are painfully obvious, we do have our redeeming qualities. Or, rather, we have the capacity to aspire to goodness because of our redemption. The first positive quality of humanity I found is courage. Five times in the book of Joshua (1:6-7, 1:9, 1:18, 10:25) God commands Joshua to “Be strong and courageous.” Obviously, God would not demand something from us if He were not inclined to make us capable of achieving it. However, without the strength God provides we would cower in fear conceivably forever, because it is our nature to be fearful.
The second positive quality I found is compassion. Though compassion is most often used to describe God, as beings created in His image (Genesis 1:27), we too are called to demonstrate compassion. Colossians 3:12 says, “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience…”
In conclusion, though human nature is multifaceted and often rather ugly, we can aspire to something more than the mess we have become if we allow God to work in us and change our hearts."

"could it be i'm falling in love?"

i can honestly say at this particular moment i am the happiest i have ever been in my entire life. i've got a peaceful feeling of contentment... this is where i'm supposed to be. this is what i'm supposed to do. and i get to be and do and learn in one of the most beautiful places i've ever been. oh, college... i'm in love with you. when can you meet the folks?

reduced to a series of piles and boxes...

i started packing on thursday...







my room feels naked. scandalous.

ordinary photos of ordinary things

hope you enjoy :)

and so is your face

Life is funny. It turns out so different than expected. Thank goodness, too, because I've got really low expectations. Really, really low. I didn't expect to run into anyone in high school that I could consider a good friend, much less my best friend. I didn't expect that that relationship would lead to others that have made my life so rich and blessed. I really didn't expect to be loved by anyone at all. And yet, through the good times, the bad, and even the gruesomely ugly, my two best, most wonderful friends have been there for me. They've rolled their eyes a lot (yeah, that's right, don't think i didn't see you), but despite everything I know they love me. And I love them more than I can say. It's been complicated, to say the least, but part of the incredible nature of these things is that you grow because of your failures. Every overreaction, inattention, and careless word has an incredulous way of making you realize how blessed you are to have anyone who will stand by your side through it all. And I've got two. Wow. You guys know who you are. I just want to say I love you both, and I'm going to miss you so much. If I could take you both with me, I would. We'd find some way to hide you in the dorm, and I'd smuggle food to you, and then we'd mess with the campus security guards and throw popcorn and leaves at the couples who don't know how to leave room for Jesus (hehehe). Guys, seriously, why are you not coming with me? We'd be so awesome... I guess we'll have to save it all for Christmas break. Don't forget me, because if you do I will come and find you in the middle of the night and scare you with a hockey mask. Oh yeah, that's right. You heard me.

No, but really, you guys have to visit. I'll even buy you smoothies. How can you turn down a deal like that?

Life Lessons

As I'm getting ready to leave (packing belongings, acquiring more junk I don't need, transitioning my decorating style from 12-year-old-hyper-enthusiast to quiet-artsy-reliable-18-year-old), I've started to reminisce on the past year and everything I've learned. Not things just about myself, but about the world, others, and how to make complicated relationships work. I've learned a lot about letting go, and it hasn't been easy. I'd have to say the majority of days I've felt like an abandoned puppy in the store-front window, watching all of its friends be taken home to a place where they're loved and accepted. There have been a lot of things I've had to deal with besides just loneliness, though. I've had to endure the waxing and waning of friendships, the uncertainty of where I would end up this Autumn, and, worst of all, I've had to confront my nightmares and accept their reality.

I'm sure everyone has had to come to grips at some point with the one thing that they would rather see locked up in a closet and forgotten for eternity. But the truth is, locking something up, pretending it doesn't exist, only makes everything worse. No matter how hard you try, the anger, the guilt, and the shame all come seeping through the cracks. At first it's easy to shrug off. It's easy to say, "I'm fine." It's easy to lie. But the hurt keeps building, and the pressure becomes too much to bear. The only answer is to deal with the issue, and to forgive. Whether it's yourself, or someone else that created the darkness inside, it has to be confronted. No one has ever healed by letting splinters fester, and pretending that the pain isn't real. I couldn't forgive on my own, though. The hurt went too deep. The shame, the self-loathing, the fear that no one would ever see me as I want to be was too much for me to deal with. I prayed for months, asking God to take the nightmares away. They didn't stop. I pleaded, bargained, and tried to cope on my own. But God never meant for us to carry our burdens alone. Sometimes, He wants us to share them. First with Him, and then with someone we trust. God created us to support each other. He knew at the beginning that it wasn't good for man to be alone. It's why He gives us family and friends who care about us.

I thank God every day that He has blessed me with such a loving family, and wonderful friends who I know I can count on, day or night. Sometimes, I really take all of it for granted. Worse, sometimes I feel like I deserve this blessing. So I keep praying, keep failing, and only by the grace of God I keep remembering how fortunate I am to have a life so full of blessings.

Hi-ho, Hi-ho...

...it's off to work I go.

I'm working full-time this summer at a moving and storage company. My days are spent mailing invoices, uploading documents, and calling other agents to make sure they're doing their jobs. Glamorous, right?

There are, however, some upsides to being a slave to my work. The first, and most important, is the people. I work with an amazing company, full of wonderfully funny individuals. The dynamics here are unlike any other place I've worked, which, albeit, is few. But, like the flu knows exactly when it would be most inconvenient for you to catch it, I know this place is unique. Call it intuitive instinct. Or not. You know, whatever floats your boat. I would give you specific examples of just how awesome these people are, but most of my stories involve them mocking me, and I'm not sure I want to fuel their egos.

But the people aren't the only things that make my job interesting. Here's a list of what I'm going to miss most come August...

1. The sarcastic banter that never ceases.
2. The fluorescent lights that never seem to work quite perfectly.
3. My really, really, really anciently slow computer.
4. The smell of burnt coffee in the morning.
5. The cumulative effect that drinking said coffee has on those desperate enough to consume it.
6. How you sometimes have to scan your badge 3 times before the door will open, thus making you look like an absolute numbskull.
7. How everything looks different, depending on how tall your heels are.
8. The vast, endless quantities of office supplies.
9. The customer service reps shouting geography lessons across the cubicles.
10. The fake tree outside the bathroom that looks like a marijuana plant. It took me 3 years to notice this.
11. Laughing at people who don't know how to conduct themselves on the phone.
12. The one lady that leaves me messages who seems to think that her call-back number is the funniest thing in the world. Seriously, every time she tries to give her number she starts giggling. It makes me feel like I'm missing out on some hysterical joke.
13. How everyone sits up straighter and puts their shoes back on when the VPs walk by.
14. The jar that everyone in operations has to put a dollar into when they curse that only appeared after I started sitting back there. Oh, the power. Oh, the influence. It's intoxicating.
15. Oh yeah, and a paycheck.

Six weeks left... Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho.

And the Journey Begins

College. It's the one thing I've been looking forward to my entire life. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to go. But, then, that's the way I was raised. My father, who went to college twice and finished both times, had to literally be dragged out of school. Alright, not literally, but you get it. My mother was the first in her family to get a college education. Later, of course, she discovered that the degree she had fostered a career she hated. But nevertheless, college, for my parents, meant you had made it.

It's different for me. For me, college is less about success, and more about discovery. Right now, I only have a vague notion of who I am, what my passions are, and what experiences the world holds for me. What do I know about work, relationships, perseverance, or hardship? Frankly, nothing. Over the next four years, I hope to learn and grow in all of these things. Most of all, I hope to discover what amazing things God has planned for my life, and how He will use me to bless others. Because, at the end of it all, I don't want my life to be about me.

So, all that to say, I'm going to keep this blog from being a personal diary. I want it to be about the people God blesses me with, and a reminder of how rapturously thankful we ought to be. I want this to be a documentation of the incredible Creator taking the mess I've made of me, and weaving it into the life He intended.

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us." -- John Steinbeck