sometimes i get my verbs mixed up...

have you ever noticed that sometimes we mix up the verbs "get" and "use" when we pray? i don't know exactly what brought on this thought, but i think it's worth exploring. maybe i should explain what i mean, first. there are times when i've found myself on my knees, in fervent prayer, thinking to myself "wow, i really am praying for what i ought," and "gosh darn, i'm so humble today," because i haven't asked for anything for myself. example: "dear lord, thank you for thus-and-so. i am so thankful to be blessed in this way. i fall so short of your standard, etc., etc., lord, please use me to glorify you in some way..."
now, on the surface, this seems pretty benign. in all actuality, it's one of the most selfish things i find myself doing. look at the first part of the prayer: "i am so thankful to be blessed in this way." how incredibly shallow. if you were able to see my heart at the moment those words escaped my lips, you'd find something pretty ugly. you would see the fact that deep down i think that i deserve this blessing somehow, or that i did something to "win a prize." i don't have to tell you how absurd that idea is. at some time or another, though, we've all thought the same thing. often this mode of thought defines the very way i respond to life, relationships, spirituality, etc. i forget to see the rest of the world because i stand in my own line of vision.

this leads to what i mean when i say i get my verbs mixed up. just because i didn't use the word "ask," or the phrase, "please may i have," doesn't mean that i've achieved some state of humility. in reality, i'm just as selfish as the person who says, "please, God, i've been really really good. may i please have a puppy?" okay, yeah, odd example, but whatever. you get the point. look again at the end of the example: "lord, please use me to glorify you in some way." again, how misguided and selfish can i possibly get? extra points if i sugar coat it and disguise what i'm really thinking, which is "God, i'm just so great and all... isn't there some place you need my help??"

if what i really want to do is glorify God, why do i sit on my knees asking for him to bring things to me? why am i not actively looking? the answer is grim. i think if i sound pious enough, that it counts for actually doing what i'm supposed to do. i've decided that this isn't how i want to live anymore. i want to be an active follower of Christ. instead of cowering in a corner and saying, "please, God, do the work for me," i'm going to get up and do something about it. Jesus, after all, didn't sit around on his rear waiting for the deaf and the blind to come to him with their problems. he found them. who am i to assume that i'm going to get off easier than the son of God himself?

all this to say, i'm tired of being selfish. i'm ready to let myself be used. i'm ready to really live my faith. i'm ready to stop asking, and start giving without expecting a tangible reward.

"Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works." - James 2:18