a final first college experience post

well, i've done it. or, after 1:45 today i will have. finals will be over, and so will my first semester of college. i didn't expect going back home to be such a bittersweet experience. while i'm excited to be back with my family and my old friends, i'll miss the new ones so very much. they've helped me grow and become more of who i am, and they're some of the most awesome people i've ever met. i've been through some really rough times since the beginning of the semester, and while others have abandoned me, these girls have stuck by me. they care. they don't judge. they simply love. i think if more people were like them, the world would be a much happier (and waaay more awesome) place.

so farewell, dear friends. i'll see you in a month.

goodbye, college. i'll miss you.

homework... haha, who am i kidding?

sometimes i get my verbs mixed up...

have you ever noticed that sometimes we mix up the verbs "get" and "use" when we pray? i don't know exactly what brought on this thought, but i think it's worth exploring. maybe i should explain what i mean, first. there are times when i've found myself on my knees, in fervent prayer, thinking to myself "wow, i really am praying for what i ought," and "gosh darn, i'm so humble today," because i haven't asked for anything for myself. example: "dear lord, thank you for thus-and-so. i am so thankful to be blessed in this way. i fall so short of your standard, etc., etc., lord, please use me to glorify you in some way..."
now, on the surface, this seems pretty benign. in all actuality, it's one of the most selfish things i find myself doing. look at the first part of the prayer: "i am so thankful to be blessed in this way." how incredibly shallow. if you were able to see my heart at the moment those words escaped my lips, you'd find something pretty ugly. you would see the fact that deep down i think that i deserve this blessing somehow, or that i did something to "win a prize." i don't have to tell you how absurd that idea is. at some time or another, though, we've all thought the same thing. often this mode of thought defines the very way i respond to life, relationships, spirituality, etc. i forget to see the rest of the world because i stand in my own line of vision.

this leads to what i mean when i say i get my verbs mixed up. just because i didn't use the word "ask," or the phrase, "please may i have," doesn't mean that i've achieved some state of humility. in reality, i'm just as selfish as the person who says, "please, God, i've been really really good. may i please have a puppy?" okay, yeah, odd example, but whatever. you get the point. look again at the end of the example: "lord, please use me to glorify you in some way." again, how misguided and selfish can i possibly get? extra points if i sugar coat it and disguise what i'm really thinking, which is "God, i'm just so great and all... isn't there some place you need my help??"

if what i really want to do is glorify God, why do i sit on my knees asking for him to bring things to me? why am i not actively looking? the answer is grim. i think if i sound pious enough, that it counts for actually doing what i'm supposed to do. i've decided that this isn't how i want to live anymore. i want to be an active follower of Christ. instead of cowering in a corner and saying, "please, God, do the work for me," i'm going to get up and do something about it. Jesus, after all, didn't sit around on his rear waiting for the deaf and the blind to come to him with their problems. he found them. who am i to assume that i'm going to get off easier than the son of God himself?

all this to say, i'm tired of being selfish. i'm ready to let myself be used. i'm ready to really live my faith. i'm ready to stop asking, and start giving without expecting a tangible reward.

"Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works." - James 2:18

bleh, meh, ick, other synonyms for eesh

there are some days when it is nigh upon impossible to feel pretty. so what do i do on those horrible occasions? i slap on some thick mascara, a coat of fire-engine-red lipstick, and put on my feel-good black t-shirt. try it someday. it makes life so much better. unless you happen to be a guy. that would just be awkward.

my heroes... *sigh*

a deadly combination

dear humanity,

if you wish to fully decimate your brain cells, by all means please do the following. if, however, you value your brain at all and wish to avoid irreparable trauma, take heed.

it happened that today had two important tasks in store for me. one: begin a paper on aristotle's definition of justice contrasted with scripture's definition of justice. two: clean the bathroom. because it's a nice cloudy day, and i'm not tempted at all to dance about on the campus lawn in the sunshine, i thought completing these fetes would prove to be easy. simple. like baking a cake if you didn't have to measure everything. but, alas, i failed to account for the intermingling of these tasks. clorox and aristotle's endless ramblings are benign if never allowed to mingle. however, when combined, the two are an effective way to lose one's mind. i didn't have any inclination of going insane. at all. but i'm afraid it's happened all the same. i can't seem to focus on anything for more than five minutes. in fact, i've gotten up three times whilst writing this to jump around, stared off into space for at least ten minutes, and done several topply pirouettes just because i had socks on and thought it might be fun. does this sound like sane behavior to you? yeah, me either...

so, beware of the combination of cleaning products and greek philosophy. the effects are... i'm sorry, i've forgotten what i was saying. i want waffles.